Well, I said I was going to give a little chronicle of my journey out of mormonism and I suppose the time has come. I may have to make this a widget on the page or something because I'd like what I'm about to say to be kept in mind throughout this little journey we're going to take together (anyone? anyone? no? ok.)
If you click only one of the links I've connected, make it this one. (there's a chance you'll see it again later)
Anyway, for anyone who might happen across my little jumble of text and ill-focused conundrum that I so generously title a "blog," there are some things I want you to know. My beliefs have changed radically since my childhood and I tend to address things in terms of experience. I'm hoping I can keep a reasonable balance between narrative and argument. Also, as much as I hate to, I may over share at times. If I do, it is only to make a point because, frankly, people who over share for no reason at all really annoy me (especially on the Internet). Third, the Internet is not my favorite medium. I don't like exposing such intimate things to the open air. However, I've chosen this medium because it is the simplest way to publish, but still edit and amend, and because it allows me the level of anonymity that I prefer.
Finally, and probably most important, what I write will not always be agreeable and may even seem disrespectful. At one point, I am very certain that it will sound blatantly racist. This is the most crucial thing you must understand: I was fully immersed in a religion with an edited history and with controversies, many of them older than a century. When the answer "I'll ask God when I die" is not satisfactory, a person searches under rocks for conclusions and understanding. The result is sometimes unpleasant and illogical, but if it eases our anxiety and rationalizes our conflicts, we accept it. I will do my best to provide solid references, but understand that I am communicating the doctrine as I learned it. I spent 18 years as an intensely faithful and devout Mormon. I did everything I could to believe the doctrine and agree with it, but some pieces of the puzzle cannot be forced together.
For any Mormon readers out there, understand two things:
1. I do not hate Mormons and I am not serving Satan in hopes of leading you astray. I am telling my story and explaining things as I understand them. All I ask of other people is that they open their eyes to the world beyond the one that raised them. If they can do so and still follow the church leaders, I have no quarrel at all. If you can tell me logically why you believe what you do, I am glad to hear it and admit a stalemate of ideas.
2. I did not leave the church because I was offended. I did not leave the church because I wanted to sin. When I left, I was doing everything members are expected to do: attending church, paying tithing, reading (not looking at words in) my scriptures daily, praying daily and attending the temple. I was dutiful and intentional, meeting with my bishop about my questions and doubts. My entire family is LDS; I did not leave because it was easier than being a member. I did not crawl around the truthfulness of it. (feel free to skip to 8 min). I faced and questioned it. It was (and remains) one of the hardest things I have ever done. My relationship with my family was damaged, I lost friends and felt ostracized from an entire culture.
I had a visiting teacher who still came to see me, giving me guitar lessons when I became uncomfortable with the relief society messages. I am very thankful to people like her, who reach out to the person and not the "church member."
I think that covers everything. I've sat in silence long enough. I will admit that I'm weary of having doctrine pushed in my face and then having my opinions marked as "irreverent," "disrespectful" or even "satanic." One of the greatest gifts my ancestors gave me is free speech, so let's get started.
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