I've been checking out some great blogs, notably Molly Muses and Pure Mormonism. These are two very thoughtful and intelligent bloggers with very different styles and perspectives.
Anywho, I'm trying to blog a little to calm my nerves so I can focus on my mountain of homework (and for a graduate student, that means something very different than for an undergrad).
I've been thinking a lot lately about resigning from the church and having my name officially removed from their records. It's an issue on which I am very torn and looking for opinions and advice (come on you three followers, I know if I believe hard enough you'll hear me). In my typical fashion, I've broken it into a list (generously speaking) of pros and cons
Cons
1. My family will be devastated.
The church is everything to them and, despite our differences and arguments, they ARE my family. I don't want to hurt them.
2. I'm a doubting Thomas, no matter where I go.
I'm an agnostic with the road running solidly both ways. Yes, I lean toward atheism and 99% of the time, I'm sure the church isn't true. I'm angry at its sexism, racism and homophobia and I know logically that the Book of Mormon was never very solid for me. Still, there is that tiny little part of me that felt those things and believed them, that little part that is terrified of the eternal retribution I've supposedly earned for myself. Removing my name changes me in that sense, so I was never baptised, etc. I'm worried that I'll be empty (which is silly and holds to the elitism so often seen amongst members of the church. I was well brainwashed indeed).
3. It's like voting.
Does my one little gesture really make any tiff of difference to LDS, Inc.?
Pros
1. It's like voting.
One might not make a difference, but I still feel obligated to do my tiny part in affecting the numbers.
2. Freedom of Association
I don't want my name associated with an organization that so diligently impinges on the rights and free will of others.
3. The Church TM is unethical in plenty more ways than one.
The ethics of my profession prescribe that I not adhere to the practices of unethical organizations. The Church Inc.'s advocation of "Reparative" therapies for LGBT individuals makes them unethical in the eyes of my profession. I'd rather choose the APA any day.
4. I want to send a message
However small, I want the people who see my letter (even if there is only one who reads it) to know that I didn't leave because I was lazy or wanting to sin. I left because what they do is wrong, what they teach is wrong and because they are abandoning and abusing some of their most diligent members. I left because they have created a culture that is both exclusive and harmful in society.
So, tell me what you think. Most of my friends who have left (a small number in itself) report that they don't really feel any different. Is it worth it to send an angry letter to an office building full of elitist white men in expensive, tithing-purchased suits that will never give it a second glance? I really don't know.
I've already told you a little bit about the experience of having my name removed from LDS records. Other than the fact that I'm happily no longer associated with the church, and can say so honestly to those who ask, there isn't much of a difference in my day-to-day life. I'm still the girl who was raised LDS, and getting my name removed didn't sever those ties to my past. My family still doesn't know, and I'm undecided on whether or not I will tell them. It's definitely a hard, and loaded, decision-no matter what the outcome. To me it was worth it for the sole purpose of association, and the opportunity to confront my past beliefs in a concrete way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if I do find that I made the wrong decision in the future, I want my decision to return to the LDS church to be an active one. While still a member I often felt that I was leaving that door open just in case I was wrong, or I decided it was easier to go back. So, deciding to finally shut that door was a very scary, but also very freeing, experience. I don't want to take the easy route either way. Leaving the church was a difficult, and painful process, so going back should be difficult as well. Twisted logic perhaps, but it helped me. Anyway, there's a bit more about my experience with it. Good luck with your decision process :). And also, good luck with finals!!
*By the way, if your records aren't currently located at the ward in which your family resides, your family isn't going to hear about it, unless it's from you. However, they will ask you to meet with the bishop where your records do reside, which I found to be extremely emotional and difficult, but also very rewarding. Just something to be prepared for if you do decide to go for it :)*
I think if it were me... I'd remove my name. If you're not happy, and you believe it impinges on people's rights, which in turn impinges on your own, and you've researched it out (not half-assed, but really done your homework), then why do something that makes you miserable if you don't think the end result will be worth it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the family thing... hopefully they love and support you no matter what. Either way someone will be more miserable, you for staying or them for leaving. Hopefully they'll get over it.
And probably most importantly, there are scriptures all over the place that say if you make commitments in the church (baptism, temple, sealing..) and then go against it, it's almost better that you'd never been born rather than turn on it. I'm liberally paraphrasing here just for effect. So really, it's best not to associate with something that you know you're just going to go against. If you die and meet God in the afterlife, at least you'll be able to say "look, I had doubts and didn't want my name on the church or the church's on mine, just to have a clean slate". I'm not sure it'll be all peaches and cream after that, but at least you'll have tried.
Besides, if in the future you do decide it is true, then it'll be a re-baptism, not just a chat with the bishop. It will be a concrete way of you saying "ok, this is really something I believe, and something I am committing to". Either way I am sure it will be an emotional and trying experience. Good luck. You just need to do what will be best for you in the long run.