Quickie-Church Resignation

So, I just laid out the final version of my semester to-do list and realized that, once again, I've screwed myself into cramming 16 weeks into 2 weeks. Good thing I do my best work under pressure. Still, I wanted to pop over and say hello to the blogosphere since it's given me so much in terms of procrastination.

I've been checking out some great blogs, notably Molly Muses and Pure Mormonism. These are two very thoughtful and intelligent bloggers with very different styles and perspectives.

Anywho, I'm trying to blog a little to calm my nerves so I can focus on my mountain of homework (and for a graduate student, that means something very different than for an undergrad).

I've been thinking a lot lately about resigning from the church and having my name officially removed from their records. It's an issue on which I am very torn and looking for opinions and advice (come on you three followers, I know if I believe hard enough you'll hear me). In my typical fashion, I've broken it into a list (generously speaking) of pros and cons

Cons

1. My family will be devastated.

The church is everything to them and, despite our differences and arguments, they ARE my family. I don't want to hurt them.

2. I'm a doubting Thomas, no matter where I go.

I'm an agnostic with the road running solidly both ways. Yes, I lean toward atheism and 99% of the time, I'm sure the church isn't true. I'm angry at its sexism, racism and homophobia and I know logically that the Book of Mormon was never very solid for me. Still, there is that tiny little part of me that felt those things and believed them, that little part that is terrified of the eternal retribution I've supposedly earned for myself. Removing my name changes me in that sense, so I was never baptised, etc. I'm worried that I'll be empty (which is silly and holds to the elitism so often seen amongst members of the church. I was well brainwashed indeed).

3. It's like voting.

Does my one little gesture really make any tiff of difference to LDS, Inc.?

Pros

1. It's like voting.

One might not make a difference, but I still feel obligated to do my tiny part in affecting the numbers.

2. Freedom of Association

I don't want my name associated with an organization that so diligently impinges on the rights and free will of others.

3. The Church TM is unethical in plenty more ways than one.

The ethics of my profession prescribe that I not adhere to the practices of unethical organizations. The Church Inc.'s advocation of "Reparative" therapies for LGBT individuals makes them unethical in the eyes of my profession. I'd rather choose the APA any day.

4. I want to send a message

However small, I want the people who see my letter (even if there is only one who reads it) to know that I didn't leave because I was lazy or wanting to sin. I left because what they do is wrong, what they teach is wrong and because they are abandoning and abusing some of their most diligent members. I left because they have created a culture that is both exclusive and harmful in society.

So, tell me what you think. Most of my friends who have left (a small number in itself) report that they don't really feel any different. Is it worth it to send an angry letter to an office building full of elitist white men in expensive, tithing-purchased suits that will never give it a second glance? I really don't know.

Hello, Hello again, sha boom be doo be do!

Hello, blogosphere, I've missed you too. What a week it has been.

For those of you who read my blog regularly (Anyone? Anyone? No? Ok.) I've been off discovering the world and how much it sucks. Seriously, life is fricking expensive. I paid $4 to do a load of laundry today. UNO load...o. And I've probably purchased twice my weight in shelf-liner. Eesh. I mean, I've been in the world, but not THE REAL world, you know? I lived on campus for three solid years and that doesn't really count. Especially at the university I attended; they totally baby their residents. I would know, considering the fact that I was a glorified babysitter for two of those three solid years. Time well spent and money well lost...*sob*

I suppose it's all worth it though. It's so nice to roam around naked and NOT have residents knocking on my door. Instead, it's my awkward building manager. He's a nice guy, I just find it funny that when I went to ask him about my elderly water heater, he greeted me in his boxers, dachsunds trailing at his heels. These are the little moments I live for. I think it's the underfed writer in me. I make mental documents of the manager in his boxers, the farting white-collar on the airplane, or the hispanic man who snorts REALLY loudly as he passes behind me in the cleanser isle at the supermarket.

My building is an interesting place, one that I get to spend a lot of time observing, given my joblessness. The people across the hall keep to themselves, but seem to like throwing parties. I can hear them right now. The apartment below me is empty and is also where I'll be taking showers until the shower head is operational (the water heater took a full week, so here's hoping...) The woman next to me has a brown pointer dog of some kind and she has very large paws (the dog, not the woman). Let's see, who else? Across the hall and to the right is a man who smokes a cigarette nearly every hour. That's probably my biggest complaint with my building. It's a non-smoking building but people smoke right under my living room window. Being allergic to cigarettes (as well as dust and the things you use to clean dust...) this is really annoying. Plus, I hate the smell. He seems like a fairly nice guy, just VERY awkward.

There's also the man who lives downstairs, below the apartment across the hall from mine. He appears to be a recluse who lives alone and even has his own mail slot (damnit, I forgot to ask the super for the mail key. Note to self: ask the super for the mail key). The rest of us have mail boxes. I've met a couple of the people on the third floor in passing and they seem to be the most friendly (although the lady with the pointer was quite friendly as well, or maybe it's just that I have a bias for dog owners).

Incidentally, I'm working on getting a dog, probably harder than getting a job. Not good. I need to fix that. I figure I can't get a dog until I get a job, so it all works out in the end. I found a pit bull mix that I'm looking at adopting though, just because she's only a puppy and already very well trained and well-suited for an apartment. Plus, I think it would be hilarious to see a skinny little white girl walking around a city with a pit bull. They're usually owned by big burly guys who are covered in gang graffiti. That's how I role, baby.

I can't say it's been unexciting, but I don't know that "thrilling" is very fitting either. I put on the funny hat and walked across the stage, receiving the empty pig skin while shaking the hands of people I've never met. I moved myself and all my crap 86 1/2 miles to a new, much larger city (ok, my family actually did the majority of the moving since I was stuck working and graduating). I do miss some people in the old town though. It seems like it was kind of lonely until my last semester, during which I made a few really good friends. One of them graduated with me and she said something profound as I lifted the cover of my pig skin: "That's was $10,000 looks like. Instructions on how to get your degree."

Well, that's about all I have. These should get a little less personal soon. I've just had a lot going on and not enough time to develop any ill-informed and outlandish opinions on current events. (although I did just watch Avatar. Maybe I'll find something to say about that)
Peace!
N.D.